he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Randomize
