Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
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