Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
