Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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