I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
