This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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