remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
Just cropdusted the office
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
