Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
