Clothes are such an inconvenience.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
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