So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Randomize
