hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
