Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
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