Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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