turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
