Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
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