A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
Randomize
