Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Randomize
