Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
