I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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