I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
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