Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Randomize
