His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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