Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Randomize
