Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
