It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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