Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
You made out with two different species that night
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Randomize
