my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
Randomize
