haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
