The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Randomize
