even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
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