Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
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