I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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