All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Randomize
