i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
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