can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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