You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
