come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
