When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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