apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Maybe he injected his testicle?
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
