I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
