I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
