I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Randomize
