Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
Randomize
