Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
