I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Randomize
