I hate all girls vehemently.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
