he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
I think I just sharted jello shots
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
