here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
Randomize
