My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
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