last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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